she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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