Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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