u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
