He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
