why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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