When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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