i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
