Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
did i walk over a car last night?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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