the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
