While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
