my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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