I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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