At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
the sex got boring after the first three hours