Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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