Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
