Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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