he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
