He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
