how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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