I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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