Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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