she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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