Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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