I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
operation have a gay friend backfired
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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