When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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