I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
