Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
