Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
