I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
