I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
