u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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