Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
