I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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