So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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