God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
