Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
