I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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