this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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