I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
