you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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