dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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