My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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