i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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