why didn't you poke me back
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
