i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
