do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
