My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
