I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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