Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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