Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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