Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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