Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(408): View more from California

No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

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(760): View more from California

oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Read it at the TFLN blog
(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

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