so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?