He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo