I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??