I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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