I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
